So.. Darkly’s starting a new job in a week or two. And she’s hoping to move home as a result, if she can find a suitable new place and get somebody to buy the current house. All the usual fun things. There’s one or two other things been going on, which I won’t go into. But she’s been fairly stressed for a while.
Perhaps I should have suspected something when, a few days before I left, after months of thinking that she’d finally come to terms with the fact that we’d never be more than friends, she decided to have another try at “Friends with benefits”.
Still, that’s not exactly unprecedented either.. I didn’t really think much of it. So I left for the conference without any real concerns.
She was a little strange on IM one evening, mentioning she was drinking alone, which she usually doesn’t, and making a reference to finding sharp things attractive.
So a day or two after I got back, I couldn’t help but notice a group of red lines across the top of one of her thighs. Apparently in my absence, for the first time in a decade, she caved and fell back on cutting herself to get her through a bad time.
My first reaction was guilt – I should have foreseen it, I should have picked up on it over IM, I should have said something, done something.. It’s hardly the first time I’ve dealt with a self-harmer, and although I still don’t understand the relief it apparently gives, I’m familiar with the signs and pretty good at helping to deal with them. I should have done something.
My second reaction was to swiftly counter the first. Darkly’s a very close friend and she does matter a lot to me. But she’s not my responsibility. I’m not going to spend my life looking for all the hints and signs that all is not well. Been there, done that. And to be honest.. I’m kind of tired of it.
I have a strong sense of responsibility. I know this about myself. It’s often stronger than I’d really like, to be honest – even when I know I really should stop feeling responsible, or should never have started in the first place, it has a bad tendency to not co-operate. It still bothered me last time I worried that Naughty was unhappy. It bothers me more than it should when Darkly is having problems, and the same goes for Lazy and Lady and one or two others.
And seriously, what’s the point? What do I get out of being concerned about people who want nothing to do with me? How does it help to care about people who I can’t care about the way they want? Why do I have to spend so much time analysing so much of what I say and do because of the effect it might have on somebody I don’t expect to ever see again?
Maybe it’s self-pitying. But I really am kinda tired of caring about people who either want nothing to do with me or want far more from me than I’m able to give.
Is it really so much to ask for something that’s a little more even-sided?
…
Well, that’s today’s rant over with. I’m aware it sounds far more self-pitying than I meant, but meh, what’s a blog for if not to publish self-serving rantings in? :)
Ahhh…self-serving rants….and it makes you feel a bit better, even if only for a bit. I mean, hell, I’ve gotten so that the ONLY time I post is so I can rant or vent someplace without it getting out and causing problems. There are good things too, but I choose to hold them to myself and not share them because…well because then I can hide them away and cherish them for what they are. Writing gets some of the bile and bitterness out sometimes.
Rants are good :) Whatever works..